Fergie’s most obvious vocation should be as a D-list celebrity on reality TV. She can continue to make a fool of herself in public and be paid for it without raising suspicion. She can bleat, rant, honk, joke, and knee-slap to her heart’s content, oblivious to the fact that she’s a greedy, self-obsessed boob who values nothing and no one.

After all, ignorance is bliss, and reality television not only pays but gives exposure. Best of all, the red-haired rogue can live in her beloved America in that unholy sepulcher of vanity, self-destruction, and perversion that is Hollywood. What more could Fergie ask for?

Price: one ‘Duchess of York’ title. Shall we shake on it?