“Finally, Fergie catches a break,” says The Daily Beast.

Unbelievable statement? You bet. The website is referring to the reports that the USA’s own Oprah Winfrey has offered the scandal-plagued, money-hungry Sarah Ferguson a prime-time talk show. It would debut on the upcoming Oprah Winfrey Network, which Oprah is currently trying to fill with original shows before launch day in 2011.

The reports are currently unconfirmed, but a “source” from Fergie’s circle claims that Oprah did offer the opportunity for her own show. The reason could only come from a Fergie supporter – they claim Oprah was “impressed by Sarah’s poise when she appeared on her show”.

Oprah’s folks at Harpo Productions put it a little less enthusiastically: “We have had initial conversations with Sarah Ferguson about a docu-series,” the network said in a prepared statement, “not a talk show, but there is nothing to announce at this time.”

NY Post

If I may be so bold, I think that allowing Ms. Ferguson to retain the use of “Duchess of York” will only cause her – and the family – further suffering.

The American Oprah interview is a strong sign that “Fergie” is looking for forgiveness and a chance to start over. The problem is that she’s done that already. There are only so many times you can start over before it looks like a hollow, shallow lie.

Ms. Ferguson claims to be a victim, though she does apologize profusely. Her explanations, however, indicate severe denial and a probable repeat of vulgar, destructive behavior. To truly prevent any further damage to herself and her family, Ms. Ferguson needs to get counseling for obsession and low self-esteem. Further counsel is sorely needed to help her manage a budget and live within her means. Sarah Ferguson is neither royal nor wealthy, and she’s just going to have to accept that fact. When she does, her whole existence will change and, hopefully, she will finally embrace who she is and realize that she’s a decent person at heart. Average, but decent.

When will Sarah Ferguson stop abusing herself and taking advantage of others? When she gets help. I pray that Prince Andrew and the Queen will set her up with a psychiatrist and a Coutt’s debt management team STAT.

In the Guardian, James Whitaker blames the Queen for giving Sarah a relatively small sum in her divorce from Prince Andrew. In fact, a few people have laid blame at Her Majesty’s feet. One commenter wrote: “Fergie was treated shabbily by the royals in the divorce settlement. She is the mother of the queen’s grandchildren”. But think of this: if your daughter-in-law had just spent you under the table, and had continued to behave in such a manner, would you be willing to give her even more money to blow annually? Giving her more is not the answer. If anything, the Queen should’ve forbidden Sarah’s use of “Duchess of York” and hired a scrupulous accountant for her instead. Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have a trust, so they don’t have to worry. Well, now that Sarah’s blown through it all, I guess they do. D’oh!

Even I can’t help you, girl.

Fergie’s most obvious vocation should be as a D-list celebrity on reality TV. She can continue to make a fool of herself in public and be paid for it without raising suspicion. She can bleat, rant, honk, joke, and knee-slap to her heart’s content, oblivious to the fact that she’s a greedy, self-obsessed boob who values nothing and no one.

After all, ignorance is bliss, and reality television not only pays but gives exposure. Best of all, the red-haired rogue can live in her beloved America in that unholy sepulcher of vanity, self-destruction, and perversion that is Hollywood. What more could Fergie ask for?

Price: one ‘Duchess of York’ title. Shall we shake on it?

I guess I missed the memo that the whole Duchess of York scandal is something to be taken lightly. Oops.

At the Book Expo America event where she was a speaker, Sarah Ferguson referred to one of her children’s books in the series “Helping Hands” that warns against trusting strangers. “I suddenly realized that maybe I should take a leaf out of my own books”, she noted.

“One [of my books] is ‘Ashley Learns About Strangers,’ said Sarah. Without missing a beat, she continued, “Or Matthew and the Bullies’. Hmm.”

Her audience laughed, but whether it was knowingly or out of embarrassment for Sarah, I don’t know.

Lightly scolding herself for trusting a stranger and referencing bullies, these comments reveal that Sarah considers herself the victim and that her behavior is due to other people picking on her. This is a scary set-up that will allow her to blame others and move on without really learning anything. Surprise.

Her self-esteem is so low, Sarah reasons, that how could she not get caught up in such a scandal? It’s no wonder she fell for the News of the World’s tactics. Obviously she’s a penniless single mum just trying to get by and bullied because she’s oh-so-trusting.

Rubbish.

The Duchess’ mindset and actions prove that she will never learn from her mistakes, and even something this embarrassing will not stop her from careening further into vulgar disaster. Fergie will take down everyone and anyone to make a buck, pound or dinar – whatever country she happens to be in at the time. No one is safe, not even her daughters.

I think it’s high time someone takes back the Duchess of York title during the tete-a-tete at Royal Lodge today. It’s going to need retirement for at least a generation to clean the slime off of it.

A former Duchess of York: discreet, elegant, and a real Queen

It had been barely a week since my Anglotopia article detailing Fergie’s financial woes when a video cropped up all over the internet showing the Duchess making a dirty deal – shaking hands with a ‘businessman’ looking to gain favor with Prince Andrew and cash in on royal connections.

Some could say that Sarah did the right thing by moving in with Andrew and their daughters to live as a united family, regardless of finances. I was far more suspicious about such an arrangement, and as it turns out, I had every right to be. Sarah has been living with the Duke of York and their two girls, Princess Beatrice and Eugenie, because she cannot afford her own home. The money she does have gets spent immediately on chauffers, security, and first-class everything. It won’t last long – the Duchess’s sources of income are drying up rapidly.

Sarah’s New York-based wellness company Hartmoor died out with debts of over £600,000 last year, and Sarah herself has unpaid bills amounting to almost £200,000 from book and movie deals that fell through. She doesn’t even own a home; instead, Sarah lives with her ex-husband and their daughters.

These financial dire straits led the Duchess to sell out the Duke himself, telling an undercover reporter posing as a businessman: “I can open any door for you,” and promising the ‘businessman’ personal access to the Prince in exchange for money, says the Telegraph.

The situation is reminiscent of Sophie, Countess of Wessex’s embarrassment when she made amusing remarks about various government officials, including royal family members. The Countess also mentioned that being a client of her public relations company could get people extra attention.

“The chances are you’ll get people interested: ‘Oh gosh, they’ve employed the Countess of Wessex’s PR company,’” Sophie told the faux sheik.

But while Sophie was naive in a bit of gossip, Sarah’s situation is more dire. Her willingness to give up private information on her ex-husband means that she could potentially reveal things about other Royal Family members that could lead to a security problem.

The Queen is sure to be severely disappointed. It was reported in Autumn 2008 that Sarah had vacationed with the Royals at Balmoral, the Queen’s Scottish retreat. It looked as though she was back in the family’s good graces. It had taken some time – the last holiday at Balmoral for Sarah had been in 1992 when she was banished for being captured on film having her toes sucked by John Bryan, her “financial adviser”.

Does this mean the end of the Duchess of York title for Sarah Ferguson? After this, I should certainly hope so.

Kids or Cash-Cows?

[UPDATE] In the Guardian, James Whitaker blames the Queen for giving Sarah a relatively small sum in her divorce from Prince Andrew. In fact, a few people have laid blame at Her Majesty’s feet. One commenter wrote: “Fergie was treated shabbily by the royals in the divorce settlement. She is the mother of the queen’s grandchildren”. But think of this: if your daughter-in-law had just spent you under the table, and had continued to behave in such a manner, would you be willing to give her even more money to blow annually? Giving her more is not the answer. If anything, the Queen should’ve forbidden Sarah’s use of “Duchess of York” and hired a scrupulous accountant for her instead. Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have a trust, so they don’t have to worry. Well, now that Sarah’s blown through it all, I guess they do. D’oh!

Up Next at RoyaltyNow!:

* Imposing a gag order on Kate Middleton
* Possible Majesty magazine(s) review
* No Mo’ Fergie
…… and more!