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Why won’t Fergie go away? What can we do? Well, it looks like The Simpsons have the answer.

Man: Well sir, advertising is a funny thing. If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon, it goes away.

Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn’t find the beef?

Man: Exactly. If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they’ll lose their powers.

Lisa: But people can’t help looking at them. They’re wrecking the town. [out the window, the monsters wreck the town]

…

Outside, a crowd of people watch the monsters. … Lisa addresses them with a megaphone.

Lisa: Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of…Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

[Paul waves, begins playing a small synthesizer and singing]

To stop those monsters, one-two-three,
Here’s a fresh new way that’s trouble-free.
It’s got Paul Anka’s guarantee…[winks]

Lisa: [singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.

Together: [singing] Just don’t look. Just don’t look.
[people turn away; the monsters turn to look]
Just don’t look. Just don’t look.
[more people turn away]
Just don’t look. Just don’t look.
[the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing]

“Treehouse of Horror VI” is the sixth episode of The Simpsons’ seventh season and the sixth episode in the Treehouse of Horror Halloween series. It first aired on the Fox network in the United States on October 29, 1995. This particular segment is called “Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores” when all of the logos and advertisements around Springfield come to life. © FOX Broadcasting Company.

Thanks to The Simpsons Archive!

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Duchess of York hypnotised for new reality show

Sarah Ferguson, ex-wife of The Duke of York, has been hypnotized in a stunt for her new series Finding Sarah.

America’s queen of talk shows, Oprah Winfrey, launched her own network this year called The Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). Ms. Winfrey took pity on the red-headed rogue and gave her a chance to redeem herself on her own reality show. So far, it’s not looking good for Sarah.

The dazed Duchess confesses to still having feelings for Prince Andrew, the Duke of York – not that it’s much of a surprise.

“He and I both wish we’d never got divorced,” she said supposedly under hypnosis. You’re left wondering about what more their two daughters, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, will have to publicly endure from their mother.

In the early 90s, Ferguson was photographed sunbathing topless with her toe-sucking financial adviser. It merely added to the Queen’s “annus horribilus” in 1992 with the separation of Charles and Diana. Fergie has also pushed her wallet – and those of friends – to the brink, floundering in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. But she never trimmed her budget, even when she reached the point of no return.

The final straw came last year when Ferguson was caught on film offering an undercover News of the World reporter access to her ex-husband for £500,000. The ensuing scandal made the Royal Family think twice, and the devious Duchess was summarily banned from the wedding of Prince William in April.

The Duchess has also had to publicly apologize for letting a friend of Prince Andrew’s, financier Jeffrey Epstein, a convicted sex offender, pay off some of her debt. It’s a wonder then, when during a recent interview on the “Oprah Winfrey Show,” Ferguson expressed her disappointment over not being invited to the royal wedding.

Now she takes to the airwaves in her own reality series, bemoaning her lot in life when she has been handed every opportunity – on gold plate, no less – to succeed. Will she find Sarah, or will this just be another way to earn a buck that will soon be blown?

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In the 1980s, he was boisterous “Randy Andy” and a hero in the Falklands. Now the Duke of York is propping up a delusional ex-wife who is eating through their daughters’ inheritance, taking money left and right, is accused of associating with autocratic regimes, and is palling around with pedophiles.

So what is going on?

First, the foreign regimes. Richard Palmer’s article in his Daily Express blog doesn’t defend the Duke of York, but he does note that the politicians calling out the Duke are completely hypocritical.

Politicians and business leaders, whether their country is a monarchy or a republic, court regimes whose nations have oil. Why? They have the oil that our countries use. It’s as simple as that. That the royals are also doing it is just another government figure getting us our portion of the supply by keeping good relations with them.

Next: Sarah Ferguson. Though they are divorced, I think “Randy Andy” and “Fergie” are made for each other.

Sarah claimed that Andrew had no knowledge of her wheelings and dealings last year, caught on camera in an undercover operation. The Duke has shown, however, that he is perfectly happy to accept favors and money himself.  Plus, the pair still live together and are said to be very good friends (or “bestest friends”, in Sarah’s words). So was he really that much in the dark? They are as thick as thieves, so deep down I doubted it.

Then Sarah blurted out that her ex-husband was involved with helping to pay off her debts. How? Through his billionaire pal – and pedophile – Jeffrey Epstein. Of course, Sarah has (again) admitted to a ‘terrible, terrible error of judgment’ after accepting £15,000 from convicted sex offender Epstein.

‘I am just so contrite I cannot say. Whenever I can I will repay the money and will have nothing ever to do with Jeffrey Epstein ever again.’

Right.

In short, she got her money, and that’s all that mattered. That he is a convicted sex offender made no difference to her or to the Duke. Epstein was a walking wallet, and he had what they wanted. You’re known by the company you keep, that’s all I can say.

Their actions are made even more painful with the release of the film “The King’s Speech”. The noble and inimitable Yorks on screen serve to remind us – and must remind the Queen – that the former Duke and Duchess were once the family-oriented, reliable pair the monarchy could rely on in dark days. It truly is tragic that Her Majesty’s own son should bring such shame to the institution, and to the family personally.

I find the Yorks reprehensible and their actions are highly unbecoming. So I pose it to you, readers: Should Fergie finally lose the Duchess of York title? Should Prince Andrew not only be removed from his post as UK trade envoy, but also have the title Duke of York revoked?

Related articles

• Fergie sorry over perv pal’s £15k (thesun.co.uk)
• Duke of York ‘appealed to Jeffrey Epstein to help Duchess pay debt’ (telegraph.co.uk)
• Duchess of York admits Prince Andrew arranged for convicted paeodophile Jeffrey Epstein to help her pay off debts (mirror.co.uk)

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Sarah Ferguson, the former wife of Prince Andrew, will be joining Oprah Winfrey’s new network OWN in 2011.

Ferguson will film a six-part series about her life, entitled “Finding Sarah”, that will debut early next year. She will discuss the struggle with her weight, relationships, and her finances. The latter has certainly been a controversial subject of late!

Will you watch the series, or pass on it? Do you believe this is being created out of a need for a genuine healing process, or as a bid for sympathy?

“Finally, Fergie catches a break,” says The Daily Beast.

Unbelievable statement? You bet. The website is referring to the reports that the USA’s own Oprah Winfrey has offered the scandal-plagued, money-hungry Sarah Ferguson a prime-time talk show. It would debut on the upcoming Oprah Winfrey Network, which Oprah is currently trying to fill with original shows before launch day in 2011.

The reports are currently unconfirmed, but a “source” from Fergie’s circle claims that Oprah did offer the opportunity for her own show. The reason could only come from a Fergie supporter – they claim Oprah was “impressed by Sarah’s poise when she appeared on her show”.

Oprah’s folks at Harpo Productions put it a little less enthusiastically: “We have had initial conversations with Sarah Ferguson about a docu-series,” the network said in a prepared statement, “not a talk show, but there is nothing to announce at this time.”

NY Post

If I may be so bold, I think that allowing Ms. Ferguson to retain the use of “Duchess of York” will only cause her – and the family – further suffering.

The American Oprah interview is a strong sign that “Fergie” is looking for forgiveness and a chance to start over. The problem is that she’s done that already. There are only so many times you can start over before it looks like a hollow, shallow lie.

Ms. Ferguson claims to be a victim, though she does apologize profusely. Her explanations, however, indicate severe denial and a probable repeat of vulgar, destructive behavior. To truly prevent any further damage to herself and her family, Ms. Ferguson needs to get counseling for obsession and low self-esteem. Further counsel is sorely needed to help her manage a budget and live within her means. Sarah Ferguson is neither royal nor wealthy, and she’s just going to have to accept that fact. When she does, her whole existence will change and, hopefully, she will finally embrace who she is and realize that she’s a decent person at heart. Average, but decent.

When will Sarah Ferguson stop abusing herself and taking advantage of others? When she gets help. I pray that Prince Andrew and the Queen will set her up with a psychiatrist and a Coutt’s debt management team STAT.

In the Guardian, James Whitaker blames the Queen for giving Sarah a relatively small sum in her divorce from Prince Andrew. In fact, a few people have laid blame at Her Majesty’s feet. One commenter wrote: “Fergie was treated shabbily by the royals in the divorce settlement. She is the mother of the queen’s grandchildren”. But think of this: if your daughter-in-law had just spent you under the table, and had continued to behave in such a manner, would you be willing to give her even more money to blow annually? Giving her more is not the answer. If anything, the Queen should’ve forbidden Sarah’s use of “Duchess of York” and hired a scrupulous accountant for her instead. Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have a trust, so they don’t have to worry. Well, now that Sarah’s blown through it all, I guess they do. D’oh!

Even I can’t help you, girl.

Fergie’s most obvious vocation should be as a D-list celebrity on reality TV. She can continue to make a fool of herself in public and be paid for it without raising suspicion. She can bleat, rant, honk, joke, and knee-slap to her heart’s content, oblivious to the fact that she’s a greedy, self-obsessed boob who values nothing and no one.

After all, ignorance is bliss, and reality television not only pays but gives exposure. Best of all, the red-haired rogue can live in her beloved America in that unholy sepulcher of vanity, self-destruction, and perversion that is Hollywood. What more could Fergie ask for?

Price: one ‘Duchess of York’ title. Shall we shake on it?