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Why won’t Fergie go away? What can we do? Well, it looks like The Simpsons have the answer.

Man: Well sir, advertising is a funny thing. If people stop paying attention to it, pretty soon, it goes away.

Lisa: Like that old woman who couldn’t find the beef?

Man: Exactly. If you stop paying attention to the monsters, they’ll lose their powers.

Lisa: But people can’t help looking at them. They’re wrecking the town. [out the window, the monsters wreck the town]

…

Outside, a crowd of people watch the monsters. … Lisa addresses them with a megaphone.

Lisa: Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of…Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

[Paul waves, begins playing a small synthesizer and singing]

To stop those monsters, one-two-three,
Here’s a fresh new way that’s trouble-free.
It’s got Paul Anka’s guarantee…[winks]

Lisa: [singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.

Together: [singing] Just don’t look. Just don’t look.
[people turn away; the monsters turn to look]
Just don’t look. Just don’t look.
[more people turn away]
Just don’t look. Just don’t look.
[the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing]

“Treehouse of Horror VI” is the sixth episode of The Simpsons’ seventh season and the sixth episode in the Treehouse of Horror Halloween series. It first aired on the Fox network in the United States on October 29, 1995. This particular segment is called “Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores” when all of the logos and advertisements around Springfield come to life. © FOX Broadcasting Company.

Thanks to The Simpsons Archive!

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Duchess of York hypnotised for new reality show

Sarah Ferguson, ex-wife of The Duke of York, has been hypnotized in a stunt for her new series Finding Sarah.

America’s queen of talk shows, Oprah Winfrey, launched her own network this year called The Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). Ms. Winfrey took pity on the red-headed rogue and gave her a chance to redeem herself on her own reality show. So far, it’s not looking good for Sarah.

The dazed Duchess confesses to still having feelings for Prince Andrew, the Duke of York – not that it’s much of a surprise.

“He and I both wish we’d never got divorced,” she said supposedly under hypnosis. You’re left wondering about what more their two daughters, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, will have to publicly endure from their mother.

In the early 90s, Ferguson was photographed sunbathing topless with her toe-sucking financial adviser. It merely added to the Queen’s “annus horribilus” in 1992 with the separation of Charles and Diana. Fergie has also pushed her wallet – and those of friends – to the brink, floundering in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. But she never trimmed her budget, even when she reached the point of no return.

The final straw came last year when Ferguson was caught on film offering an undercover News of the World reporter access to her ex-husband for £500,000. The ensuing scandal made the Royal Family think twice, and the devious Duchess was summarily banned from the wedding of Prince William in April.

The Duchess has also had to publicly apologize for letting a friend of Prince Andrew’s, financier Jeffrey Epstein, a convicted sex offender, pay off some of her debt. It’s a wonder then, when during a recent interview on the “Oprah Winfrey Show,” Ferguson expressed her disappointment over not being invited to the royal wedding.

Now she takes to the airwaves in her own reality series, bemoaning her lot in life when she has been handed every opportunity – on gold plate, no less – to succeed. Will she find Sarah, or will this just be another way to earn a buck that will soon be blown?

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In the 1980s, he was boisterous “Randy Andy” and a hero in the Falklands. Now the Duke of York is propping up a delusional ex-wife who is eating through their daughters’ inheritance, taking money left and right, is accused of associating with autocratic regimes, and is palling around with pedophiles.

So what is going on?

First, the foreign regimes. Richard Palmer’s article in his Daily Express blog doesn’t defend the Duke of York, but he does note that the politicians calling out the Duke are completely hypocritical.

Politicians and business leaders, whether their country is a monarchy or a republic, court regimes whose nations have oil. Why? They have the oil that our countries use. It’s as simple as that. That the royals are also doing it is just another government figure getting us our portion of the supply by keeping good relations with them.

Next: Sarah Ferguson. Though they are divorced, I think “Randy Andy” and “Fergie” are made for each other.

Sarah claimed that Andrew had no knowledge of her wheelings and dealings last year, caught on camera in an undercover operation. The Duke has shown, however, that he is perfectly happy to accept favors and money himself.  Plus, the pair still live together and are said to be very good friends (or “bestest friends”, in Sarah’s words). So was he really that much in the dark? They are as thick as thieves, so deep down I doubted it.

Then Sarah blurted out that her ex-husband was involved with helping to pay off her debts. How? Through his billionaire pal – and pedophile – Jeffrey Epstein. Of course, Sarah has (again) admitted to a ‘terrible, terrible error of judgment’ after accepting £15,000 from convicted sex offender Epstein.

‘I am just so contrite I cannot say. Whenever I can I will repay the money and will have nothing ever to do with Jeffrey Epstein ever again.’

Right.

In short, she got her money, and that’s all that mattered. That he is a convicted sex offender made no difference to her or to the Duke. Epstein was a walking wallet, and he had what they wanted. You’re known by the company you keep, that’s all I can say.

Their actions are made even more painful with the release of the film “The King’s Speech”. The noble and inimitable Yorks on screen serve to remind us – and must remind the Queen – that the former Duke and Duchess were once the family-oriented, reliable pair the monarchy could rely on in dark days. It truly is tragic that Her Majesty’s own son should bring such shame to the institution, and to the family personally.

I find the Yorks reprehensible and their actions are highly unbecoming. So I pose it to you, readers: Should Fergie finally lose the Duchess of York title? Should Prince Andrew not only be removed from his post as UK trade envoy, but also have the title Duke of York revoked?

Related articles

• Fergie sorry over perv pal’s £15k (thesun.co.uk)
• Duke of York ‘appealed to Jeffrey Epstein to help Duchess pay debt’ (telegraph.co.uk)
• Duchess of York admits Prince Andrew arranged for convicted paeodophile Jeffrey Epstein to help her pay off debts (mirror.co.uk)

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Sarah Ferguson, the former wife of Prince Andrew, will be joining Oprah Winfrey’s new network OWN in 2011.

Ferguson will film a six-part series about her life, entitled “Finding Sarah”, that will debut early next year. She will discuss the struggle with her weight, relationships, and her finances. The latter has certainly been a controversial subject of late!

Will you watch the series, or pass on it? Do you believe this is being created out of a need for a genuine healing process, or as a bid for sympathy?

Unbelievable statement? You bet. The website is referring to the reports that the USA’s own Oprah Winfrey has offered the scandal-plagued, money-hungry Sarah Ferguson a prime-time talk show. It would debut on the upcoming Oprah Winfrey Network, which Oprah is currently trying to fill with original shows before launch day in 2011.

The reports are currently unconfirmed, but a “source” from Fergie’s circle claims that Oprah did offer the opportunity for her own show. The reason could only come from a Fergie supporter – they claim Oprah was “impressed by Sarah’s poise when she appeared on her show”.

Oprah’s folks at Harpo Productions put it a little less enthusiastically: “We have had initial conversations with Sarah Ferguson about a docu-series,” the network said in a prepared statement, “not a talk show, but there is nothing to announce at this time.”

NY Post

If I may be so bold, I think that allowing Ms. Ferguson to retain the use of “Duchess of York” will only cause her – and the family – further suffering.

The American Oprah interview is a strong sign that “Fergie” is looking for forgiveness and a chance to start over. The problem is that she’s done that already. There are only so many times you can start over before it looks like a hollow, shallow lie.

Ms. Ferguson claims to be a victim, though she does apologize profusely. Her explanations, however, indicate severe denial and a probable repeat of vulgar, destructive behavior. To truly prevent any further damage to herself and her family, Ms. Ferguson needs to get counseling for obsession and low self-esteem. Further counsel is sorely needed to help her manage a budget and live within her means. Sarah Ferguson is neither royal nor wealthy, and she’s just going to have to accept that fact. When she does, her whole existence will change and, hopefully, she will finally embrace who she is and realize that she’s a decent person at heart. Average, but decent.

When will Sarah Ferguson stop abusing herself and taking advantage of others? When she gets help. I pray that Prince Andrew and the Queen will set her up with a psychiatrist and a Coutt’s debt management team STAT.

In the Guardian, James Whitaker blames the Queen for giving Sarah a relatively small sum in her divorce from Prince Andrew. In fact, a few people have laid blame at Her Majesty’s feet. One commenter wrote: “Fergie was treated shabbily by the royals in the divorce settlement. She is the mother of the queen’s grandchildren”. But think of this: if your daughter-in-law had just spent you under the table, and had continued to behave in such a manner, would you be willing to give her even more money to blow annually? Giving her more is not the answer. If anything, the Queen should’ve forbidden Sarah’s use of “Duchess of York” and hired a scrupulous accountant for her instead. Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have a trust, so they don’t have to worry. Well, now that Sarah’s blown through it all, I guess they do. D’oh!

Even I can’t help you, girl.

After all, ignorance is bliss, and reality television not only pays but gives exposure. Best of all, the red-haired rogue can live in her beloved America in that unholy sepulcher of vanity, self-destruction, and perversion that is Hollywood. What more could Fergie ask for?

Price: one ‘Duchess of York’ title. Shall we shake on it?

At the Book Expo America event where she was a speaker, Sarah Ferguson referred to one of her children’s books in the series “Helping Hands” that warns against trusting strangers. “I suddenly realized that maybe I should take a leaf out of my own books”, she noted.

“One [of my books] is ‘Ashley Learns About Strangers,’ said Sarah. Without missing a beat, she continued, “Or Matthew and the Bullies’. Hmm.”

Her audience laughed, but whether it was knowingly or out of embarrassment for Sarah, I don’t know.

Lightly scolding herself for trusting a stranger and referencing bullies, these comments reveal that Sarah considers herself the victim and that her behavior is due to other people picking on her. This is a scary set-up that will allow her to blame others and move on without really learning anything. Surprise.

Her self-esteem is so low, Sarah reasons, that how could she not get caught up in such a scandal? It’s no wonder she fell for the News of the World’s tactics. Obviously she’s a penniless single mum just trying to get by and bullied because she’s oh-so-trusting.

Rubbish.

The Duchess’ mindset and actions prove that she will never learn from her mistakes, and even something this embarrassing will not stop her from careening further into vulgar disaster. Fergie will take down everyone and anyone to make a buck, pound or dinar – whatever country she happens to be in at the time. No one is safe, not even her daughters.

I think it’s high time someone takes back the Duchess of York title during the tete-a-tete at Royal Lodge today. It’s going to need retirement for at least a generation to clean the slime off of it.

A former Duchess of York: discreet, elegant, and a real Queen

It had been barely a week since my Anglotopia article detailing Fergie’s financial woes when a video cropped up all over the internet showing the Duchess making a dirty deal – shaking hands with a ‘businessman’ looking to gain favor with Prince Andrew and cash in on royal connections.

Some could say that Sarah did the right thing by moving in with Andrew and their daughters to live as a united family, regardless of finances. I was far more suspicious about such an arrangement, and as it turns out, I had every right to be. Sarah has been living with the Duke of York and their two girls, Princess Beatrice and Eugenie, because she cannot afford her own home. The money she does have gets spent immediately on chauffers, security, and first-class everything. It won’t last long – the Duchess’s sources of income are drying up rapidly.

Sarah’s New York-based wellness company Hartmoor died out with debts of over £600,000 last year, and Sarah herself has unpaid bills amounting to almost £200,000 from book and movie deals that fell through. She doesn’t even own a home; instead, Sarah lives with her ex-husband and their daughters.

These financial dire straits led the Duchess to sell out the Duke himself, telling an undercover reporter posing as a businessman: “I can open any door for you,” and promising the ‘businessman’ personal access to the Prince in exchange for money, says the Telegraph.

The situation is reminiscent of Sophie, Countess of Wessex’s embarrassment when she made amusing remarks about various government officials, including royal family members. The Countess also mentioned that being a client of her public relations company could get people extra attention.

“The chances are you’ll get people interested: ‘Oh gosh, they’ve employed the Countess of Wessex’s PR company,’” Sophie told the faux sheik.

But while Sophie was naive in a bit of gossip, Sarah’s situation is more dire. Her willingness to give up private information on her ex-husband means that she could potentially reveal things about other Royal Family members that could lead to a security problem.

The Queen is sure to be severely disappointed. It was reported in Autumn 2008 that Sarah had vacationed with the Royals at Balmoral, the Queen’s Scottish retreat. It looked as though she was back in the family’s good graces. It had taken some time – the last holiday at Balmoral for Sarah had been in 1992 when she was banished for being captured on film having her toes sucked by John Bryan, her “financial adviser”.

Does this mean the end of the Duchess of York title for Sarah Ferguson? After this, I should certainly hope so.

Kids or Cash-Cows?

[UPDATE] In the Guardian, James Whitaker blames the Queen for giving Sarah a relatively small sum in her divorce from Prince Andrew. In fact, a few people have laid blame at Her Majesty’s feet. One commenter wrote: “Fergie was treated shabbily by the royals in the divorce settlement. She is the mother of the queen’s grandchildren”. But think of this: if your daughter-in-law had just spent you under the table, and had continued to behave in such a manner, would you be willing to give her even more money to blow annually? Giving her more is not the answer. If anything, the Queen should’ve forbidden Sarah’s use of “Duchess of York” and hired a scrupulous accountant for her instead. Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have a trust, so they don’t have to worry. Well, now that Sarah’s blown through it all, I guess they do. D’oh!

* Imposing a gag order on Kate Middleton
* Possible Majesty magazine(s) review
* No Mo’ Fergie
…… and more!

I’m sure you all remember the “bouncy” redhead who was the “breath of fresh air” for the Royal Family. Well, she’s at it again.

Sarah Margaret Ferguson was deemed the perfect match for the Queen’s son, Prince Andrew, whom she married in 1986. Sarah was loved by the Queen and the other members of the family for her eagerness to ride, her enthusiasm for public engagements, and her bawdy jokes.

After a few years the laughter turned to embarrassed coughs and averted eyes. As HRH The Duchess of York, Sarah nabbed freebies, pulled rank, went on extensive holidays, and sent the bill to the Queen for the privilege of it all. She was soon branded the “Duchess of Do Little”, compared unfavorably to the hardworking Princess Anne and the stylish Diana.

A blatant extramarital fling that hit the front pages was the last straw. Sarah soon found herself at a dead end in the Royal family and she had no other recourse but to divorce the Duke. Sarah was banished from Balmoral and stripped of the HRH title, fleeing to America to escape the brutal British media.

Sarah eventually paid back her debts to the Queen in very unconventional ways: she became a spokeswoman, a product developer, and a co-author of various royal-themed books. Sarah earned so much money from endorsements and other ventures that she eventually wiped her debts completely clean.

After years of polishing her image, Sarah was invited back to Balmoral in August 2008. The weekend holiday was intended as a celebration of Princess Beatrice’s birthday. Fergie was finally back in the fold … or so it seemed.

Unfortunately, Sarah did not remain the low-key, responsible woman she was forced to become over those years. She fooled everyone, including the Queen, who is probably now kicking herself for thinking that people change.

The Duchess of York is a title dear to Her Majesty’s heart. Her beloved mother, Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, was the previous Duchess who became the nation’s symbolic backbone during World War II as Queen.

Her Majesty was once little Princess Elizabeth of York, and her sister was Margaret Rose of York. Her father, Prince Albert, referred to their happy little family as “Us Four”. The Queen spent her happiest pre-war days as a York Princess. How it must pain her to see the title squandered in such a manner by the greedy and publicity starved Sarah Ferguson.

I pray endlessly that the title, now portrayed as a symbol of farce and irresponsibility, will be freed from the grasp of this woman.

A Selection of Horrors:

Sarah launched an undercover campaign to highlight the horrific conditions in Turkish orphanages. By doing so, she broke the country’s strict privacy laws and dragged the Royal family into a highly sensitive issue with a foreign nation. While the documentary was a noble feat, she has caused considerable diplomatic tensions between the United Kingdom and Turkey.

Court papers show that Sarah is still not as good with money as previously thought: she owes thousands of pounds to an accountancy firm, a solicitor and a family-run photographic printing company.

Her documentary entitled The Duchess on the Estate has critics panning her for being “patronizing” and “Victorian” in her manner, using other people’s misery to slake her thirst for publicity and making the Manchester housing estate look worse than it is.

Now Sarah admits she might go on the TV shopping network QVC: “Tommy Hilfiger has a line of clothes he wants me to work with but so far the deal hasn’t been set,” she said toCindy Adams of the New York Post.

Word on the street is that Kate Middleton has climbed another rung on the royal ladder. The 27-year-old girlfriend of Prince William of Wales is reportedly being taught how to be a “fully-fledged” princess and member of the royal family. This means Kate has moved up a level from “in waiting” to “in training”, indicating that a British royal wedding may not be far away.

We all remember the issues William’s mother Diana, Princess of Wales had when she married into the royal family. Even though she came from an old aristocratic English family, Lady Di could not cope with the pressure. The prince’s aunt, Sarah Ferguson, also struggled to cope when she married Prince Andrew, Duke of York. Sarah could not spend money nor get embroiled in a passionate affair fast enough. The marriage imploded after 6 years.

With these two previous women in mind, the Palace has made darn sure that Kate Middleton will make a smooth transition from commoner to a true princess. She will be the next Queen of England, barring any unforseen tragedies or abdications. Kate needs to be a capable consort, able to fill the Queen Mother’s perfect shoes.

via Monsters and Critics